Snowfall
by superalicat
Summary: On New Year's Eve in an alternate universe, Suwa confessed to Naho, and the two of them stayed together even ten years later. But in this world, Suwa is determined to let go of his feelings. Takako, who's been tasked by her future self to protect everyone, is the only one to notice how much it's tearing him apart. What does she think of his attempts to stay strong?


Title: Snowfall

Characters: Takako, Suwa, Azu, Naho, Hagita, Kakeru

Words: 2738

It's cold outside. I don't notice it that often since we're usually all together, but once I get home, it starts to sink in.

And then, there's the realization that time's running out. Winter is coming, and with it, we approach the day that our newest friend, Kakeru, will commit suicide.

My letter, written by myself from ten years in the future, tells me, _Takako, you have to be there for him. You've always been protecting Naho and Azu and the others, and now, there's one more person you have to be there for._

 _Stay strong. For everyone._

This warning comes up in my letter over and over again, in the sparse, simplistic writing of my twenty-six-year-old self. I have to be the one that my friends can rely on, the one to stick up for them when they can't fight for themselves. And I'll try my hardest to stay as strong as I can.

Today is so cold that I almost long for a scarf, but I resist the urge. I love winter—the early sunsets, the snow, the festive spirit in the air. Of course, it's all been overshadowed by the approaching deadline of saving Kakeru from his accident, but I'm still trying to enjoy it as much as I can. That's why, even when Azu bundles up in a hoodie when she goes outside, I wear only my school uniform with no scarves or jackets. If I can feel the cold, then I'll be constantly reminded that it isn't just the season when Kakeru dies, but also my beloved winter. My memories of it stretch far back to when I was younger and loved leaping into a huge pile of snow and having snowball fights with Azu and Naho. But now we're older, and there's much more on our minds than mere snowball fights. We've left those days far behind.

As Naho and Kakeru discuss hanging out on Christmas Eve, I remember my very favorite part of winter: double-year shrine visits. We've been doing them forever. When there's a lull in the conversation, I bring it up and ask if we want to do it. Of course, Suwa has to explain to Kakeru what the double-year part means, and when Kakeru says that he thinks that all of us should go, I feel a rush of relief. Ringing in the new year is just something you have to do with friends.

But there's another reason I want all of us to go together. I don't want any of us to end up alone. And there's one person in particular who I want to stay with us, just like the letter says…

Right on cue, as if he read my thoughts, Suwa tells us, "I have plans on New Year's Eve."

Azu starts grumbling about the fact that he's basically ditching us, and I think, _he's reacting to what he knows is going to happen in the future. His letter must have told him what he does when we go to the shrine._

I watch him pretend to be cheerful but regretful, a paradox if I've ever seen one, and think that maybe he's genuinely sorry he'll miss out on this opportunity. But he's hiding that behind his smiling face. Suwa does that so much, especially when he's around Naho. And that hurts me more than he can ever know.

Kakeru and Naho go off together to get some takoyaki, and my chance to confront Suwa arrives. The annoyance that's still bubbling up inside of me reaches its boiling point, and I use my bag to take a swing at the back of Suwa's head. It's a bit too low, and only whaps his shoulders. Still, it gets him to turn around.

"Hey! What was that for?"

I'm still glaring at him. _You can't keep acting so strong. It hurts you too much, Suwa. Anyone can tell you're beating yourself up trying to make Naho and Kakeru happy._

I don't tell him this. What comes out instead is, "Liar! You don't actually have New Year's Eve plans, do you?"

He's just as angry as I am, and shoots back with an excuse. But I know it's not true. So I tell him that he comes with us on New Year's, and that I know he's trying to change the future with his own two hands.

 _Can't you see that doing that is tearing you apart?_

"You confess to Naho on New Year's Eve," I say, my anger mostly gone now. I feel only sorrow for Suwa, for trying to take the one good thing that he still has in the future.

I have to explain to a bewildered Azu and Hagita how it happens, how Naho and Kakeru get into a fight and Suwa comes to comfort Naho.

But Suwa's still resisting this future. "I won't do it! I won't say it! No matter what!" He thinks that he doesn't have to do it, that it won't do anything to help us save Kakeru. He thinks that he's the one who has to stay strong and do whatever he has to so that he can support his friends.

That's not his role. It's mine. My feelings aren't at stake here, but his are. I won't have to sacrifice a part of me that, once I obtain, I'll never be able let go of again.

"Are you really okay with erasing that future?" I ask aloud.

It's the future where he can be happy, where his dreams can come true. It's something he's always wanted. Ever since I knew him, he had eyes only for Naho, and now he's trying to avert them from her. How hard must it be for him?

For good measure, I add, "The future where the two of you are married."

 _Stay strong. For everyone._

 _And especially for Suwa._

There was a little aside in one page of the letter, in the paragraph about Suwa and Naho in the future, saying that Suwa had always known about Kakeru's and Naho's feelings for each other. And so, maybe, he would try to tell himself from ten years in the past to let Kakeru have that chance with Naho.

 _It's something he might regret for the rest of his life._

I let Azu and Hagita know about what my future self told me, about Naho's feelings changing after Suwa's confession. _They're so in love, even now. I sometimes wish that I can experience what they have together._

I can't convince Suwa, though, no matter what I say, and he responds, "In this world, I'll choose a different path. I won't confess my feelings to Naho. That's all there is to it."

I walk home alone and wish he weren't so stubborn. I wish he didn't have to go to such extremes to make everyone else happy. Doesn't he know he can get what he wants, too?

We don't get together on Christmas Eve. I'm in charge of letting the others know, after Naho tells me, that Kakeru's at the hospital with his grandmother, who got sick. I text Suwa the news, and at the end, I add:

 _I'll see you when you come to the shrine on the 31_ _st_ _._

I don't want to beg him to come, but I hope he knows that, contained within that simple sentence, I'm on my hands and knees, praying he'll say yes.

He never responds.

New Year's Eve is so cold that I have to shrug on a coat so that I don't get frostbite. Naho meets me on the way to the shrine, and we walk together in the chilly evening air. The excited air is contagious, even though I know what's coming, that Kakeru and Naho might not ever make up again. But I have to stay strong, and that means I have to act like everything's normal. We quickly find Azu and Hagita, with no sign of Suwa anywhere. I ask the others if I should give him a call, knowing full well he won't answer me. We haven't said a word to one another since the day I hit him with my bag. Maybe he still dislikes me for it. Or he dislikes me for trying to help him.

Because Kakeru isn't here yet, I can see nervousness etched in Naho's face like stone. She's had the hardest time out of us all, and it's worse because she doesn't even know about Suwa's plan to stop himself from confessing to her. But today is supposed to be the day that she and Kakeru have a falling out worse than any before, and I know she's afraid she won't be able to fix it. Azu and I reassure her while, out of the corner of my eye, I see Hagita texting Suwa. I let Naho know that she can count on us, and I mean it with every fiber of my being. I have to be the person she can rely on so that she doesn't have to suffer on her own any more. I'm not sure whether or not Suwa can understand that I want to be there for him. If only he did.

When Kakeru appears, I know that we've soothed Naho's fears enough for now, and she's determined not to make the same mistakes as her future self did. Hagita, with Azu's help, finally reveals Suwa's excuse for not showing up tonight. I know that his being sick is a lie, because I've seen him eat an entire plate of mochi and a huge bowl of rice without throwing up. And he's been able to handle stomach aches before. He's lying to us again.

We draw fortunes together, and Naho and Kakeru finally leave us behind to go off on their own. They're different than they were before, when they first met, and I'm glad they've changed. Azu agrees with me as well. Despite her actions, she's a pretty observant girl, and I'm glad to have her as a friend.

Since Suwa clearly won't answer me, I use Hagita's phone to call him. Surely those two are close enough that the supposedly sick Suwa will pick up to have a chat with him. The other end rings and rings for what seems like an eternity, and he finally, finally picks up. I immediately start shouting at him, noticing as I do that Hagita and Azu have fallen completely silent behind me. When I lose my temper, even I know I can be pretty terrifying.

"Where the hell are you?!" I demand.

"I'm busy." He sounds a little nervous, but his lie doesn't waver. Why does he feel like he needs to lie to us? We're his friends, aren't we? He has so little faith in us.

I fume over the phone, hoping I can intimidate him just through my words. But after he gives me the same excuse, I know I have to say something serious to him.

"Do you really think that Kakeru will die if you tell Naho you like her? If that's the case, then quit it! We'll definitely save Kakeru, so get over here!"

I hope he has time for those words to sink in, because Hagita snatches his phone back from me and, without even messing around, tells him even more eloquently than I do that Suwa shouldn't try to mess around with the past too much. But for those words, too, Suwa remains silent. Finally, when Azu gets on the line, he says something back to us.

"What's up with you guys? Now you all have my back?"

Those words hit home more than he knows. All this time, he's thought that we weren't there for him, that we wouldn't support him. He's been so wrong this whole time.

And just as an announcement comes on over the loudspeakers about the new year coming in ten minutes, we can hear the same announcement over the line. Azu demands, "Suwa? Are you here?!"

I knew it. I knew that trying to stay away would be too hard for him. I stand there in shock, staring blankly at the phone as Suwa hangs up on us.

"I have to find him," I begin to blurt out, but Azu places a hand on my shoulder.

"Maybe…maybe we should let him decide."

Azu's never sounded this serious before. Not ever. And now, she's trying to hold me back from trying to protect someone else. Even though I was given that task.

"She's right." A rare statement from Hagita, but the situation's too tense for anyone to comment on it. "Suwa's serious about this. And it's his problem, not ours."

I exclaim, "But he lied to us about coming here!"

"We'll get him for that later," Azu says lightly, but I know that that's the last thing on her mind. I can't say anything back to her. I have no idea what to do except go find him and give him a piece of my mind, but perhaps Hagita's right. Is it my issue after all? Even though I have to protect him, maybe what I'm doing now is going too far.

Ten minutes feel like an eternity to all three of us, but we stand and wait for Naho and Kakeru and, though we don't say it aloud, Suwa to come back. But they don't. Somewhere out there, Naho's trying to change something that made everything in the other world worse, and Suwa's trying to do the opposite. He's trying to change his own happiness.

The New Year's countdown begins, but I'm not listening to it. Instead, I recall Suwa's words. _Now you all have my back_?

He's so dense. Not in an obvious way, but he is. We've always had his back. Just like with Naho, we've always been there for him. He just refused to see it. Even though we're his friends, he thinks he has to do everything on his own. It's annoying similar to Naho's bad habit of keeping things to herself. In some way, those two make a good match for one another.

But he refuses to see that he has to let go of all of that and trust us, like Naho did. If only he could think about what's best for him…

Later, after I leave Azu and Hagita behind, I find Suwa walking alone down an empty street, the noises of people celebrating the new year behind us muffled because of the distance.

"Well," I sigh. "It's over now."

I can tell by the look in his eyes that he knows what I'm talking about. Any chances he had of being with Naho are now all over. He let her go, and he can't take it back now.

"You're not mad at me?"

Glancing over at him, I can see the same weariness in his face that must be showing in mine. We both have people we care about and want to protect, and they struggle so much that we, too, feel helpless.

"No."

"Really? You were pretty mad earlier. I thought you would be now, too."

I can't look him in the eye anymore. He knows me too well. "There's not much I can do about it now," I say quietly, watching a snowflake land on the sleeve of my coat. It's so cold tonight. Yet another reminder that while we stay here and argue over the futures that could have been, there's still the definite fact that Kakeru is going to die.

"Takako." He doesn't say my name that often, and it catches my attention. Our eyes meet through a slow-moving curtain of white snow. "I know you think I'm just going to make myself miserable, but I swear to you, I'll be just as happy watching those two have something that they never could've if I'd confessed. I already got to experience that, so I don't need to anymore."

"Suwa…" He's not lying, but he sounds like he's convincing himself of what he's saying.

"Happy New Year, Takako. I'll see you when school starts, okay?" And he turns his back on me and walks away, leaving me with the falling snow and the clamor of the shrine a few blocks behind us.

For the first time in my life, watching the flakes of snow drifting down from above feels painful. Why did I ever think that winter was a beautiful season? All that it causes, it seems, is heartbreak.

 _A/N: Thank you for reading my first Orange fanfic! I know it's kind of a repeat of most of the events in the manga (not sure what the anime's going to do yet) but I wanted to try it from a different perspective. I love Takako and really enjoyed portraying her in this story. I hope you enjoyed it too~_


End file.
